THE ENCOUNTER...

Just a few days ago, a very close friend of mine told me a harrowing and unbelievable story that makes anyone who hears it wonder why a person can do that to another. I had goose bumps when I heard it. Let us call this story “THE ENCOUNTER” an experience that changed my friend’s outlook about life and relationships completely. 

She belongs to a brood of nine, all professionals except one. Years before this, she and an older brother had been very close until one day just a year ago something happened that changed their relationship forever.

They are not a rich lineage. Why am I telling this is because it has something to do with the story. They had good parents both professionals too and they were brought up with Roman Catholic teachings. 

Let us call the brother – Ito and my friend as Deegee. They were just a few years apart and grew together. In their adult life, at some points, Ito got himself in difficult situations and guess what? It was always Deegee who was there for him. When life was not fair to Ito, Deegee had to take care of even the smallest things that Ito needed to the point that Deegee’s kids felt bad that their mom seem to be obligated to take care of him. Helping your brother or sister I believe, is the essence of kinship. No one will help your kin but you. NO ONE WILL TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER BUT YOU.

There were numerous instances that Deegee had to sacrifice only to help Ito financially since Ito was jobless and had no source of income. Deegee being compassionate that she is, was always ready to extend a helping hand. In fact she had been supporting him for small things for years. These acts may not be huge but are nevertheless assistance that Ito cannot get anywhere else.

Deegee’s mindset is that, if she will not handhold her brother who will? No one will voluntarily take the responsibility to help other people. Why would they? Life is difficult and they have families and relatives to tend to. They would rather help their kin than helping other people. I am not saying that there are no people willing to help but there is always a limit to it. They can only help so much.

So the story goes… One day, Ito who was in another place doing some business called Deegee soliciting her support for the business he is trying to build. It was a buy and sell thing. Ito told Deegee that he needs cash to buy an item and sell it within a week unfortunately, Deegee did not have the cash that time. Ito told her to find a way to remedy the cash needed anyway Ito will sell the item immediately and pay back. 

To cut the story short, Deegee got a loan at an interest that makes the skin crawl. She thought that anyway it is just for a week but the weeks became months and the months became years until Deegee was forced to carry the load. The loan quadrupled and Deegee was left with no other recourse but to borrow from someone to pay the loan that became so huge.

Fortunately, someone lend her but because of some misfortunes, Deegee was not able to return the money that was borrowed. She was harassed time and again. The worst thing is that Ito knew the woman from whom Deegee borrowed the cash and started to harass Deegee. He even went to the extent of telling Deegee that she is a “cheat”, that she intended to swindle the money from the start. Don’t you think the swindler is Ito? She made Deegee believed that there is truly a business that was in fact not there. 

Deegee told him that if the intention was to cheat, she would not have signed any document relative to the loan. One thing more, Degee never cheated on anyone. Ito had the nerve to tell her something like that when it was him who spent the money. He was the reason why Deegee borrowed money in the first place. Had he not swindled her sister, would this thing have happened? I think not. She has the documents to show that the money was indeed sent to Ito. 

I saw the pain in Deegee’s eyes, the pain of betrayal. She cried her heart out not caring whether she is being observed or not. I felt her pain too and I wanted to slap his brother for all the heartache he caused Deegee, I was seated just across her when the news reached her. She was trying her best to maintain her composure but her emotions cannot be held back. How I wish I can wipe away her pain that very moment but I cannot. It is only her who can heal the pain… and only time can tell if it is healed. 

She looked at me like a wounded soldier, mirroring the pain that she is going through. I can see sorrow in her eyes. If only you saw what I did, you will understand why I am so pained too. She has been a good friend to me and I know when she is hurt deeply or not and when she is crying inside even without the tears. I am sure that her wound will heal with time but the scar will remain. 

She called her younger brother and while talking to him unrestrained pearls of tears kept rolling down her cheeks… the tears of SORROW, that your own blood can betray you for the wrong reasons. I can only empathize with her. The grief was too deep that her voice trembled and her body shook as she tried to release her pain. There is nothing more hurting than a loved one betraying his own…. I do not want to be in Deegee’s place at any point in my life. Probably, I will not survive it.

If I were in her shoes I will feel the same. I cannot imagine a brother doing harm to a younger sister for a fault not of her doing. The fault emanated from the acts of her brother Ito. May be she has a hand in it but not entirely her fault – this is a case of too much love for a brother. You do anything to help him.

The painful part is that, when you are the one in need will he be there for you? In this case, he was even the one who is pushing his sister to the edge. I was more of the thought that Ito should be the one to help resolve the issue since the woman is a friend of his.

Deegee made a mistake of taking the cudgels for someone who cannot be trusted. Someone, who will betray her when convenient. 

Other people in our lives come and go but your brethren are fixtures in your life whom you will always run to no matter what. I tell you this, time will come that you will need Deegee again. Do you think she will still be there for you after this? 

Deegee felt so bad that her brother, her own blood and whom he had helped for years can do that to her. He sided with the woman and threatened her sister. A BETRAYAL at its peak. Choosing someone over your own sister? Was that person there with you when you were having a difficult time? I doubt. Will she be there forever? – that’s a dream. 

Deegee is one person who has a compassionate heart and this can be affirmed by the people who know her. She has a ready hand so long as it is within her capacity to help and does it with passion especially so if she believes in what she is doing. 

I am reminded of what a friend said “You are too trusting ma’am” and I say now yes KCDY, I was but I think I will not anymore”. I will even close my eyes so I will not see any difficulties and teach my heart not to be compassionate. I might end up like Deegee. 

Lesson: Be careful, do not be too trusting. Even your brother can be your best enemy.

My lesson? Do not trust your brother… hehehe

The Aftermath...

A sleepless night again! Whew! Have you had an experience that haunted you for weeks? If yes, then you probably can relate to mine, if not, hear this one – “THE AFTERMATH” a sequel of “A LIFE’S CROSSROAD” – written a week earlier. If you have not read it yet do so http://emotionsandrelationships.blogspot.com/.  

“The Aftermath” goes this way. A few days after the incident, I was still bothered with what happened. I still feel bad about it and I cannot imagine what happened and what took place during that training phase. My thoughts kept going back to the time when I took that same route some decades ago. I tried to recall the events then and found myself smiling at the happy and memorable days. I even remembered the time when I did my first public speaking exercise and talked about "celibacy".

I nearly was not able to talk in front of a hundred strong 35th LGOO batchers. I was tongue-tied at first until I got my equilibrium at work and started to talk about the Roman catholic practice of celibacy among its priests. That it was not said so in the bible that one has to stay away from sexual intimacies but a catholic doctrine to be so. If this is an indication of incompetence, then I should have been dropped from the rolls. My point is, you cannot measure one's competence by a mere interview or few simulation exercises - the true measure if I may again can be truly gauged from day 1 to last day of the training. So much for that. So to continue.

I started to map out what has to be done. I jotted down schemes and names and where to start and how to do it. I finally decided to write my own letter and why not? I wrote three people to lay down my case and even called some of them to ascertain that they are with me on this.

After days of having to go through the ordeal of saving a person from a devastating encounter, I was left with nothing but an endless wait. At one point, the gentleman came into my office and said “ma’am, thanks for all the help” I looked at him and saw naked honesty in his words and I said “welcome, this is the only help I can give you”. I can still see the pain in his eyes but I can also sense his desire to get over it.

The one thing that I am thankful for is that he has taken it as a challenge and has heeded my advices. I may not be that good as a leader but deep down I know I have helped someone get over the hurdles of life.

I can honestly say that I did my best. I talked to people, wrote letters, consulted the higher ups and requested help from friends. I exhausted all the remedies and assistance I could muster but I still feel it is inadequate- I wish I could do more but all else are beyond me…. 

After doing what I thought can help this gentleman get back on his feet and have his request granted, the road ahead was suddenly barren – there is nothing more I can do but to constantly get in touch with people who can help and hope for the best. 

I am doing this not for anything else but the pain… I saw in those vivid eyes on that fateful day. It has haunted me and continued to do so to this date. Every time I see him, I am reminded of the deep grief mirrored in his eyes that pierced my very soul. The pain I saw then had shaken me so much that each time I look at him in the eye now, I have apprehensions and fear that I might be looking at the same depth of pain that I would not like to encounter again.

As earlier narrated in “A Life’s Crossroad”, I too felt bad when a staff of mine did not make it in one of the major undertakings that one has to go through to obtain a higher position in the Department. I knew that finishing the training was a key factor to a most important decision in his career and life – the reason for the devastation he felt then. 

A single X mark on a sheet of paper decided the life of one person. The X ushered in major changes in his career and personal life, vital decisions that have to be made and actions that have to be instituted. The X decided the fate of a person. This is how powerful a single X can make in one’s life. It is tantamount to drawing the map of a person’s life. 

Back then and to this writing, I feel I could have done something to ensure success and victory but I did not and for that I blame myself partly for his failure. Being the immediate supervisor, I could have coached and mentored him. This is what has been and continue to eat me for the past weeks after that day. If only I could turn back the hands of time I will. Alas! That is not the way things are done. I have to learn to live with my regrets for not doing the right thing.

 Others may say otherwise and I respect their opinion but that is how I feel about it and no one can change that… 

To this writing, even with his efforts to move on, I know that the experience has scarred him for the rest of his life as it did me. I have learned my lesson well.

The Aftermath of rain is sunshine.

Lesson? When one door closes on you, a better one opens to embrace you.

My lesson? Sleep so you stop thinking.

A Life's CrossRoad....

Have you reached the crossroad in your life? I would like to share a recent event that a young gentleman experienced that changed his life forever…. I call this life’s crossroad.

A few days ago, I woke up to a beautiful morning with the sun peeping from the horizon, blue skies and sunshine streaming from tall trees finding its way to the ground. I had bubbly feelings as I jumped off the bed to open my windows to the cool breeze of the morning accompanied by pine-scented gentle wind.  Indeed I thought this is such a blessed morning. I took a bath and went to work carrying with me the feeling of joy and anticipation of what is to come during the day. 

I arrived at the office with so much enthusiasm and excitement as I normally do every day. The excitement today though is several notches higher than normal. I do not have an inkling why I was feeling so great that day even after several minutes of trying to pin-point what caused it. I decided to let it go and started work until I was jolted when I remembered I had to call my boss for information that will decide the future of two staffs of mine.  They have undertaken the 6-months training for the key positions and are awaiting the result of the last phase – the competency assessment.

One of whom was seated across me as I talked over the phone. I signaled him that he didn’t make it while the other one did.  When I was done, he was no longer there. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind. What happened? I had high hopes that this Gentlemen will finish with high colors. I retraced my steps for the past few days and recalled his narration of the events when he underwent the assessment at the training institution and the story goes this way. 

It was a sunny morning and everyone at the training center was busy getting ready to hurdle the tasks for the day. They were each assigned an assessor that will evaluate their competencies. He was assigned to a good lawyer and he thought he was fortunate to have one with a similar mindset. Alas! It was a misfortune. Everything turned sour and he was given a failing mark. He felt he was singled out and treated unfairly by the Evaluators – and probably he was right. 

When we evaluate people, the power to make or break a person is with us and the decision we give will mold their future. We are like gods directing people’s lives. This is the very reason I take interviews seriously.  When the assessors failed the gentleman, they drew his future for him. Changes have to take place not only in his own life but that of his family. They too must have felt so bad that moment. 

I had mixed emotions that time. I was happy and sad. Happy that one staff of mine made it and sad that another one didn’t. I was sadder though and I felt I was a complete failure. Thoughts like I should have given them the best training and advice crossed my mind. I sat in the darkness of my office for a long time until I felt pain in my head. Ouch! Not again. 

I left the office at 8:00 in the evening. I didn’t even realize it was late. I tried to contact my staff that night but he  must have preferred solitude. Even I would do that if that happened to me. I felt sorry for him. 

The next day, I tried again but I was not able to, so I stopped trying. After two days, I suddenly got his phone ringing but no one was picking up and no message at all. As the boss, I thought I should have been the first that he should talk to but I found out later that it was not the case. I was hurt. It was an indication that I was not among the people he would look up to. In most cases, the head of office is the first person that employees talk to on all matters whether official or personal. I was wrong all along. Probably, I was expecting too much.

When he finally came to talk to me, I looked at him straight in the eye and I saw the depth of his pain, a sorrow that can melt even the heart of the most unfeeling human being. I never saw so much sadness and despair in a person’s eye. I was taken aback by an ocean of agony that was mirrored in his eyes. I knew then that he must have felt the world closed on him. He was at his breaking point and wanted to disappear. I felt his pain radiate to me even without him saying a single word. I was even afraid to touch him lest he evaporates into thin air. It was a very delicate moment as I tried to thread my way to help him. 

There was silence for quite a time until I saw him drop his head as tears rolled down his cheeks. The tear of a stinging pain that shredded and even powdered his heart until it cannot feel anymore. I know the feeling – experience taught me that. I knew he did his best not to shed a tear but the enormous and cutting pain cannot be locked in.

I sat there not knowing where and how to start helping him get out of his grief. He showed me his result and indeed, all that he told me about the events during the assessment were all the same observations contained in his competency report. As the head I would know the capacity and capability of each of my people and that kept me wondering to this date how the competency assessment was done. 

To my mind, the interview and simulated exercises are not the best tools to gauge the competence of the trainee. A few hours of exercises and interviews are not enough to ascertain the competency of an individual. I still believe that the field immersion – the application of the lessons is the most appropriate measure. It would have been better if the competence was measured from day 1 up to the last day of the training. With that span of time, you can already see the ability and observe the attitude of a person.

As I always say “nakikita ang kakayahan sa gawa”. No matter how high your rating is if you cannot apply it in actual work is worthless. Additionally, the best person to rate the competence of a person is the immediate supervisor. I have nothing against academic excellence but this has to be translated into concrete successes when one is fielded out. 

Few cans of beer loosened his tongue and he started to share his thoughts. I listened and tears started to roll down my cheeks as he continued to talk. Every word he uttered was coming out so painfully that even a stranger cannot help but cry. When he was done, I too got the courage to tell him “it is not the end of the world. It is just one of those trainings. You need to get to terms with it so you can move on”. He said “ma’am it is easier said than done” and I agreed with him but even then at some point we have to accept it. 

I told him not to make any rush decisions that moment because choices made at the height of emotions are most often faulty. He has to give it time before making major steps in his life.  

I told him about my daughter’s experience but I know nothing was sinking in. He was so engrossed with his pain but still I continued to talk sense into him, encouraging him to look at it as an opportunity to explore other options-meaning, him taking the bar again.  

My own daughter failed her CPA Board (she is now a CPA). I cried with her as I felt her pain through my veins. It was an excruciating pain that made me feel so cold inside. If only I can take away her pain I will do it. I would rather suffer it for her than see her in pain. After all the sweat and sufferings she made it. The good thing with her is that she didn’t give up and I salute her with her courage. (Sorry anak to share your story but I know that you would not mind if it will help others fight for their life)

Sharing my own story with him was my way of telling him that he is not the only one who experienced the ups and downs of life. That everyone had their own CROSSROADS at one point. That the crossroad can actually mean VICTORY. I did not expect him to think rationally that time but my intention was for him to think of my story when everything has calmed down and he can think objectively.

I told him “this is a cross-road in your life that you need to seriously look into. Which way would you like to take? The left?, right? Or straight on?. You need to make a choice whether to give in to defeat or to brave it and move on”.  

Success is not measured by what one brings, but rather by what one leaves. Failure should challenge us to new heights of accomplishment, not pull us down to new depths of despair. Failure is delay, but not defeat. It is a temporary detour not a DEAD-END STREET.

I shared this story to a good friend and mentor of mine and even her was saddened by the story. If only she was here she could have fought tooth and nail for the gentleman. Her encouragement gave me strength to go on with the battle. I just hope the conclusion of all these is VICTORY. A million thanks to you my friend.  No amount of words or number of THANK YOUs can ever describe my appreciation of all the things you were and continue to be for me and other people whose lives you have touched.

Continue to believe in your ability and make the most of the state you are in now. Make this an opportunity to explore and do better in life. I have full confidence in your mental and emotional intelligence. You have it in you.

We can only do so much for you. You are still the major player here.

Lesson: Take your failures in your stride. It is a constant in life. 

My lesson? DO NOT GO FOR TRAINING…

The Bar Experience....

Just a few days ago, I and a friend of mine went to an acoustic bar to listen to music and relax for a while. It was just 6:00 pm in the evening. We took a table on the left near a group of young people - all female in their 20's enjoying the evening with a bottle of hard liquor.There were 5 of them. They were noisy but I didn't mind, I thought well, this is a bar and they are here to get the most out of it. An hour passed and suddenly one of the young ladies started to vomit on the floor and slept on the couch for another hour. Her companions had to watch over her. They were all tipsy and noisy. On the other table were a group of young gentlemen around 21-25 years old telling stories and enjoying their drinks. They were more disciplined than the young ladies at the other table. I thought men were supposed to be more wayward than ladies but I got it all wrong. Up to the time we left the bar, the young gentlemen were proper as can be. I surmised on the conversation of the ladies that they were all from the provinces and are here to study. What a way to waste the money intended for studies. These are hard-earned money of the parents back home. I pity so much the parents of those kids. They have no idea that their daughter is spending their money getting drunk and smoking. This is the effect of kids so protected by parents suddenly finding themselves exploring the world on their own. No parents' constant checking, no curfew and etc. They feel they are free to do what they want - INDEPENDENCE DAY! is what it is for some young people. They tend to abuse it. After an hour the drunk young lady woke up and she was crying. I hope the tears were of remorse for acting unlady like in public. I also hope she learned a lesson from that experience. I just hope the tears were because she regret to have done what she did, like I learned mine. Lesson? Do not drink too much. "Everything taken in Excess is bad" MY LESSON: Do not go to the bar.... hehehe

A Sad Story....

Two days ago, I got a surprise call from a friend of mine whom I did not have the chance to get together with often becoz he is too busy for his own good. Anyway, he  shared something to me and the story goes this way.

A father, a public official at that had been maltreating his kids for a long time now. He kicked, slapped, boxed his kids a boy and a girl often that the older one had to run away from home and nowhere to be found. A good samaritan helped the kids and had the parent brought to court and is now lavishing inside the jail. Good for the kids right? thanks to the good Samaritan.

I saw pics of the teens and wondered why a parent have the heart to treat his kids like they are not humans. They are innocents, they got nothing to do with where, when and how we got where we are - this is a result of the actions and decisions we made and not theirs.

Children are supposed to be cherished and loved. If we the parents with our own blood running in their veins cannot defend and love them, who will?

They were not brought to earth becoz they wanted to but because we, the parents wanted them here. Do not treat your kids like it is their fault that you are in that situation you are in now. It is you who made your life and not them. Sabi nga "LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT".

My concern is this, if we public officials can do that to our own kids how can we profess to help our communities? We took our oath promising to work for the welfare of our constituents but where is that commitment now? If we can hurt our own kin, we can do more harm to other people.

Read your OATH OF OFFICE again and try to understand well what it says. That was your promise to god

         "I, _________, elected to the position of ____________, _________ do hereby
         solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the Philippine;
         that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation
         freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well
         and faithfully discharge the duties of the office of which I am about to enter.

        So help me God."

Public officials, let us ponder on this and mend our ways. You are supposed to be the "Knights in Shining Armor" of your people - The defenders of the oppressed. The shield of the people against harm. Play your role and do what you promised God and men.

Mind you dear public officials and private individuals and everybody concerned, this is a crime punishable by law and grave punishments at that. Despite the stringent penalties for acts of this type, there are people who do not care.

Help us God do our responsibilities as public officials and good citizens.