A sleepless night again! Whew!
Have you had an experience that haunted you for weeks? If yes, then you
probably can relate to mine, if not, hear this one – “THE AFTERMATH” a sequel
of “A LIFE’S CROSSROAD” – written a week earlier. If you have not read it yet do
so http://emotionsandrelationships.blogspot.com/.
“The
Aftermath” goes this
way. A few days after the incident, I was still bothered with what
happened. I still feel bad about it and I cannot imagine what happened
and what took place during that training phase. My thoughts kept going
back to the time when I took that same route some decades ago. I tried
to recall the events then and found myself smiling at the happy and
memorable days. I even remembered the time when I did my first public
speaking exercise and talked about "celibacy".
I
nearly was not able to talk in front of a hundred strong 35th LGOO
batchers. I was tongue-tied at first until I got my equilibrium at work
and started to talk about the Roman catholic practice of celibacy among
its priests. That it was not said so in the bible that one has to stay
away from sexual intimacies but a catholic doctrine to be so. If this is
an indication of incompetence, then I should have been dropped from the
rolls. My point is, you cannot measure one's competence by a mere
interview or few simulation exercises - the true measure if I may again
can be truly gauged from day 1 to last day of the training. So much for
that. So to continue.
I started to map out what has to be done. I
jotted down schemes and names and where to start and how to do it. I finally
decided to write my own letter and why not? I wrote three people to lay down my
case and even called some of them to ascertain that they are with me on this.
After days of having to go
through the ordeal of saving a person from a devastating encounter, I was left
with nothing but an endless wait. At one point, the gentleman came into my
office and said “ma’am, thanks for all the help” I looked at him and saw naked
honesty in his words and I said “welcome, this is the only help I can give you”.
I can still see the pain in his eyes but I can also sense his desire to get
over it.
The one thing that I am
thankful for is that he has taken it as a challenge and has heeded my advices.
I may not be that good as a leader but deep down I know I have helped someone
get over the hurdles of life.
I can honestly say that I
did my best. I talked to people, wrote letters, consulted the higher ups and
requested help from friends. I exhausted all the remedies and assistance I
could muster but I still feel it is inadequate- I wish I could do more but all
else are beyond me….
After doing what I thought
can help this gentleman get back on his feet and have his request granted, the
road ahead was suddenly barren – there is nothing more I can do but to
constantly get in touch with people who can help and hope for the best.
I am doing this not for anything
else but the pain… I saw in those vivid eyes on that fateful day. It has
haunted me and continued to do so to this date. Every time I see him, I am
reminded of the deep grief mirrored in his eyes that pierced my very soul. The
pain I saw then had shaken me so much that each time I look at him in the eye
now, I have apprehensions and fear that I might be looking at the same depth of
pain that I would not like to encounter again.
As earlier narrated in “A
Life’s Crossroad”, I too felt bad when a staff of mine did not make it in one
of the major undertakings that one has to go through to obtain a higher position
in the Department. I knew that finishing
the training was a key factor to a most important decision in his career
and life – the reason for the devastation he felt then.
A single X mark on a sheet
of paper decided the life of one person. The X ushered in major changes in his
career and personal life, vital decisions that have to be made and actions that
have to be instituted. The X decided the fate of a person. This is how powerful
a single X can make in one’s life. It is tantamount to drawing the map of a
person’s life.
Back then and to this
writing, I feel I could have done something to ensure success and victory but I
did not and for that I blame myself partly for his failure. Being the immediate
supervisor, I could have coached and mentored him. This is what has been and continue
to eat me for the past weeks after that day. If only I could turn back the
hands of time I will. Alas! That is not the way things are done. I have to
learn to live with my regrets for not doing the right thing.
Others may say otherwise and I respect their
opinion but that is how I feel about it and no one can change that…
To this writing, even with
his efforts to move on, I know that the experience has scarred him for the rest
of his life as it did me. I have learned my lesson well.
The Aftermath of rain is
sunshine.
Lesson? When one door closes on you, a better one opens to embrace you.
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